hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
