i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
