Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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