I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
