Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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