im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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