I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
