I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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