I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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