Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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