there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
