I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Someone shattered a urinal.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
