I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize