What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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