there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just cropdusted the office
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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