I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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