She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize