can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize