I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
