i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
