Your mouth is God's brothel.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think I have vodka in my lungs
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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