I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
