the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
