I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize