somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
