So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
