I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
