I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
