I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
