i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
