Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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