Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You should frame my arrest warrant.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
