omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize