im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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