My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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