I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
