don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
