The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
