ugly people sure do ruin things
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is Oprah even human
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
