This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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