Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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