I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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