i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
