apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
