Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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