Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I want her autograph on my taint
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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