Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
