He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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