It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
