I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
