And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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