i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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