Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
