whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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