Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
