then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
look no pants
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
