i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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