I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Non-Jews are for practice
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
