i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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