remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
you will always have a special place in my vag
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
