I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
