Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
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