I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
