those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
