Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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