Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
